What comes to mind when you hear the term “abuse”? Maybe you imagine crime scenes, physical violence, or torture. Perhaps just the sight of this word causes your radar to go up because it seems to be so overused and underdefined. My hope with this blog is to bring biblical clarity to the nature of abuse so that churches can take steps to better prevent abuse and care for the abused. Here are two truths and a lie to consider as we carefully think through this topic.
Truth: Abuse seeks a self-centered kingdom
At the core of abuse is seeking first the kingdom of the abuser. In this kingdom, the pattern of unrepentant selfishness has become so normalized that a victim’s thoughts about self, relationships, situations, and even their thoughts about God may begin to revolve around the abuser as the guiding light, the source of truth, and the center of everything.
There are many helpful definitions of abuse, but our church has come to define abuse this way:
an unrepentant pattern of punishing and demeaning tactics used to establish and maintain a self-centered kingdom where power is lorded over someone else and where the victim regularly feels unclean, exposed, rejected, helpless, and dependent on their abuser.
There is a lot in that definition, but I want to focus on the phrase: “self-centered kingdom.” Scripture shines light into the darkness of abuse by describing two kingdoms that we can seek in this life—God’s kingdom or our own self-centered kingdom (2 Tim. 3:2, Phil. 2:3, Matt. 6:33). A “self-centered kingdom” is one where I write the law of the land based on what I feel, desire, and worship. In any kingdom, the ruler has the power to determine the law and ultimately define what is normal for the culture of the land. But particularly in an abusive relationship, the abuser’s unrepentance creates a pattern that tells everyone living under that rule that this is normal.
The example of the Pharisees in Scripture illustrates the misuse of power and the establishment of self-centered kingdoms. In Matthew 23:4, Jesus condemns the Pharisees for burdening people with heavy loads while failing to lift a finger to help. They neglected justice, mercy, and faithfulness, and instead imposed their own man-made traditions (Matt. 23:23). Describing the Pharisees’ power, Philip Schaff states, “They had the most influence with the people and the women, and controlled the public worship.” The Pharisees said, “Follow us, this is the only way to God,” and the people followed them. They enslaved their followers to a system of works that exalted themselves, hid the grace of God, and only served to promote their own self-centered kingdom. That is why Jesus says in Matthew 23:13, “But woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people’s faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in.”
Truth: The abused need help seeking Christ’s Kingdom
Can you imagine how disorienting this might be for someone? Imagine growing up in a home where everything you did was never good enough and deserved punishment—and the law was always changing. Here are some common struggles we see in our church’s counseling ministry from those living in this situation:
- Fear of man: You regularly feel the need to be hyper-aware of someone else’s thoughts, desires, and opinions to avoid punishment.
- Anxiety: You worry about what is going to happen, what you can do, where you can go, what you should say, and what you did wrong.
- Anger: You are angry at yourself, at God, or others because everything you do is always wrong and never enough.
- Hopelessness: You start to think that this will never change and you must accept the reality that you are a hopeless failure.
Often, when we initially sit with a victim and do an abuse inventory to get a picture of how they have suffered, they don’t typically see it as an inventory of their suffering but as a record of their sin. When we discuss those painful moments, victims will often experience guilt as they recall how they failed, disappointed, or broke the law of a parent, spouse, or other intimate relationship. They may have endured great suffering, and yet they may never have considered it as suffering. Rather, they see it as what they deserved because they broke the “law.”
So how can we, as caregivers and counselors, help to reorient someone in this situation toward Christ’s kingdom? One practical idea is to build awareness of suffering. If you’re seeing negative changes in a friend, start by asking them some questions like:
- “How often do you feel like you are letting this individual down?”
- “How do they express their disappointment?”
- “How often do you feel fear, anxiety, shame, or guilt in this relationship?”
- “What features of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 most describe your relationship?”
These questions might not indicate that abuse is taking place, but can help reveal whose kingdom is being pursued in the relationship.
Another practical idea is to respond to suffering like Christ. While your friend might be used to having their suffering minimized—or used to being blamed for their suffering altogether—we can bring the clarity of Scripture to 1.) tell the truth about how they’ve been sinned against, 2.) to lament with them amid their suffering, 3.) to take practical steps to pursue their safety[2], and 4.) to meditate together on Christ’s love in the gospel. The more we demonstrate how Christ sees their suffering and help them to meditate on his way of loving, the more they’ll be equipped to know Christ and seek his kingdom. However, we must remember to proceed with caution. As they start to take steps toward Christ’s kingdom and away from an abuser’s kingdom, escalation of the abuse is likely to occur. Anticipate this by taking the time to consider how you as a church can prepare to protect them beforehand.
Lie: The church cannot help
In many parts of the world, there are no emergency services or women’s shelters to care for victims and often the church is the only entity with the ability to provide care. One way we can help is by holding one another accountable for how we use our authority and influence in each other’s lives. One simple accountability tool we recommend using is an “Advantage Inventory”, where accountability partners help each other consider the advantages they have within a relationship. Start by asking one another, “What advantages do you have in your close relationships?” For example, if I consider my relationship with my wife, I am physically taller, stronger, and faster than her. I am the main source of our family’s income. I have more theological training and the ability to frame theological arguments. I’m also a pastor at her church, which means I have a special influence over her closest friends and community.
Once you know your advantages, then ask each other, “How are you using those advantages to serve?” If my goal is to get my way in any situation, I have several advantages I can use. But Christ used all his power not to be served, but to serve (Mark 10:45). For every advantage I have, I need to have a plan in place for how I will use those to serve my wife. I need to talk about it with my accountability partners and with her. This is vital for all of us if we want to imitate Christ who made himself nothing to serve us and seek our highest good (Phil. 2:3-8).
Take a moment and think about your closest relationships and ask, “What kingdom do we most often seek together?” Then ask, “How can I serve in love to help lead us toward Christ?” We want that to be the main way we relate with everyone, with those closest to us, and especially with those who are under our authority. When this Christlike service defines a church culture, not only will victims be untangled from oppressive kingdoms of self and reoriented toward the true Kingdom of Christ, but entire churches will grow to display the glory of Christ as his love is put on display.
[1] Schaff, History of the Christian Church, §9.1.
[2] One practical way to do this is to write a personalized safety plan with them. Here is an example of one.
Related Content
- For more biblical counseling resources on domestic abuse care, visit ibcd.org/domesticabuse.
- Hope + Help for Responding to Abuse with Jeremy Pierre & Greg Wilson (podcast)
- Hope + Help for Identifying Abuse with Darby Strickland (podcast)
- To browse past conference audios on the topic domestic abuse, click here.
