The holidays are a time of family gatherings to which most people look forward with joyful anticipation. For some, however, the holidays are filled with interpersonal tension. Difficult relationships can come in many forms but oftentimes they are connected to in-laws. Perhaps it’s a meddling mother-in-law, or perhaps it’s a daughter-in-law who rejects or disdains her husband’s family. Although tensions with difficult people tend to exist year-round, they may be especially magnified during holiday gatherings. As with all things, Scripture tells us how to deal with these relationships. Here are three ways you can counsel those who deal with difficult in-laws.
1.) Difficult in-laws are your family by God’s Providence.
Regardless of how the in-law became the in-law, God is always sovereign over every circumstance you experience (Lam 3:37; Prov 1:21). Ultimately, this person is in your life by God’s design. In the very worst of tragedies imaginable, Job exclaimed, “Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?” (Job 2:10). Your troubling in-law is certainly not as terrible as Job’s tragedies (even if at times you think that’s the case!), but the fact that you’re related is just as much from God as was Job’s trials (although Satan was the immediate cause, he needed God’s permission to attack Job).
Similarly, however the troubling person came into your life, you need to realize and meditate on the fact that nothing happens outside of God’s decree, including the presence of this challenging relationship. If you look at the person from that perspective, you can humbly pray for the needed grace and strength to love that person in a way that glorifies God (James 4:6). View this person as someone whom God has purposefully placed into your life for His good purposes. If that’s the case—and the fact that God is sovereign tells us that this is the case!—then you must be determined to discover how God would have you relate to your in-law and what He is teaching you in the process.
2.) Put your focus on what God is doing in your life.
When it comes to difficult in-laws, we typically focus on the other person’s troubling character traits: their criticisms, aloofness, snide remarks, etc. But God always calls on us to look at our own hearts first (Matt 7:1-5; Psalm 139:23-24). If there are ways that you have sinned against the other person, you must seek forgiveness (Matt 5:21-26). Even if you have not sinned in any way that you can recollect, Jesus tells us in Luke 6:27-36 how to treat enemies. In verse 32, He tells us, “If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them.” If this is how Jesus commands you to deal with enemies, how much more someone who is a member of your family? And if you love the “enemy” as Jesus commands us, “expecting nothing in return,” Jesus tells us that your “reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil” (v. 35).
Through your relationship with your difficult in-law, God is calling you to put away bitterness (Heb. 12:15), be kind and forgiving (Eph 4:31-32), and grow into the image of Christ (Rom 8:28-29). He’s calling you to love the unlovable, just as He loved us while we were still His enemies (Rom 5:10). That kind of love can only come by a thoughtful decision of the will. Ask yourself, How can I love this difficult person right now? Perhaps sending thoughtful gifts on special occasions? Sending a note of encouragement? Certainly speaking kindly and overlooking offenses are God-honoring actions (Prov 10:12; 17:9), as well as repenting of gossip or slander. Take time to reflect: How do I speak about this person to others? Do I share my offenses against this person or do I look for—and speak only of—the positive traits (Prov 11:3)? Ephesians 4:29 tells us that the measure of our speech must be that it builds people up and “gives grace to those who hear.”
3.) Remember that peace is the byproduct of obedience.
Colossians 3:12-15 is a passage you can mediate on in preparation for holiday gatherings and the relational tensions you may encounter there.
“Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.”
Notice the promise connected to these commands: peace. In his commentary, John Gill writes that this peace “may be said to ‘reign’ in [our] hearts, when it is the governing principle there; when it restrains the turbulent passions of anger, wrath, and revenge, allays undue heats, moderates the spirits, and composes differences.”
The peace of Christ can reign in your heart this holiday season, even in the midst of difficult in-law relationships. If instead of dwelling on your in-law’s sinful behavior, you dwell on and speak of their positive traits, God promises you peace. You can also apply Philippians 4:6-8 to your situation: pray for your in-law, thank God that this person is in your life (because God has only good purposes for putting them there), and dwell on what is honorable, just, pure, lovely, and commendable. The result is God’s peace in your heart—meaning that you can rest in the fact that you’ve sought to please God in this relationship and bless the other person in whatever way you can.
When Paul writes in Romans 8:28-29 that “all things happen for good,” know that your relationship with a troublesome in-law is included in the “all things” he refers to. And this particular piece of the “all things”—just like every other part of life—is for the purpose of making us more like Jesus. So as you consider how to relate to this difficult person, you can ask yourself, What heart attitude is God working on in my life? How does God want me to love this person? Humbly seeking the answer to these two questions will go a long way toward your spiritual growth and experience of Christ’s peace in your heart.
