For the past several years, a counseling burden we’ve seen increase is “church hurt.” By church hurt, I’m referring to any unrepentant sin that is minimized, normalized, or possibly promoted by a church community and/or a church’s leadership.
At first, I didn’t like the term “church hurt” because it didn’t seem to mean anything. Everyone has been hurt in every church because we are all sinners who sin against each other. To use the label “church hurt” in biblical counseling contexts seemed too broad—I didn’t think it helped us to prepare for careful, personal ministry to an individual.
But over the years of hearing people share about their experiences, I realized that the broadness of the term is vital for people to open up about their pain. As I mentioned earlier, every Christian has been hurt by other Christians in the church to varying degrees. And though some may either minimize or exaggerate that suffering, the term “church hurt” invites anyone who’s hurting to come and share their story. As we listen to these brothers and sisters share about what they’ve been through, we get to carefully consider the best way to minister to them for their good and God’s glory.
If you currently serve Christ’s people as a biblical counselor, I want to thank you for helping those hurt by their previous church. Many who experience this kind of pain end up losing their communities and have great fears about trying to get plugged in somewhere else. Without your pursuit of their hearts, they would likely not know how to share and respond to this grief. But even if you aren’t a biblical counselor, everyone in Christ’s body must learn how to help those who’ve been hurt by their previous church. While there are a number of actions you can take to offer someone meaningful support, here are three ways I’d recommend coming alongside them.
1.) Help them understand the unwritten law of their previous church culture.
Whatever is said and done most often in a church creates an unwritten law and a culture that either aligns with God’s kingdom-culture of love or opposes it. Sadly, in many churches there is an unwritten law based on preferences and traditions being upheld, respected, and unquestioned. To help them understand the law of their previous church, I might ask questions like:
- “What were the things your church community valued and did that could shame others or make them feel unacceptable until they fulfilled certain requirements?”
- “What extra-biblical, cultural expectations does someone need to meet to be welcomed?”
- “What could make someone feel unworthy or unwelcome unless they adapted to certain standards? How did the leaders and congregation express their disapproval?”
- “How were careers, education, politics, and money talked about?”
- “How did your church express what they were for or against?”
- “How did the church community respond to people who thought differently—engage them, learn from them, show them Christ, ignore them, isolate them?”
- “How did the community deal with conflicts that arose?”
- “What do you think people might be afraid to say in your previous church?”
The unwritten law of a church will always bring wrongful shame on those who do not or cannot keep it. This is one of the most important pieces to understanding the suffering of church hurt and it will play a big part in helping address some of the personal struggles with shame, guilt, fear, or confusion that they may have.
2.) Meditate with them on Christ’s response to hurt from his community.
Christ chose to enter a world and a community that he knew would hurt him. One of the most beneficial studies I went through with someone suffering church hurt was meditating on how Christ responded to being hurt by those closest to him. Christ’s responses never minimized the sins he suffered, but he used every opportunity to display his love. Whether that was strongly confronting Peter (Matt 16:21-23), mercifully washing Judas’s feet (John 13:1-14), patiently showing Thomas his wounds (John 20:24-29), or making breakfast for his disciples after they all had abandoned him when he was arrested (John 21).
A temptation with studying Christ’s response is to quickly jump to how the counselee should respond in the context of their church hurt, but that is not the main purpose of this study. I usually guide this counseling exercise in three parts:
- We look at the text and meditate on Christ’s response to being wronged.
- We share whatever is dear to us as we behold our precious Savior.
- We praise Christ for who he is and that we have fellowship with him in our suffering.
3.) Encourage them to prayerfully consider notifying their previous church leaders about the issue (Matt. 18:15 / Prov. 9:7-8).
A counselee’s decision to reach out to the leadership of their previous church is complex and could often involve legal issues depending on the wrongs that they suffered. If the person you are caring for suffered sins that involved illegal activity (such as assault, financial fraud, or labor law violations), they should pursue legal help first before reaching out to their previous leaders about the issue.
When legal issues are not a consideration, taking the time to consider contacting their previous leaders can help a counselee more fully understand the wisdom of their decision to leave and resolve any doubts lingering in their mind. Here are a few questions I invite counselees to reflect on and pray through as they consider discussing an issue with their previous church leadership:
- What conversations with the leadership of your previous church were you able to have before you left? How well do your previous leaders understand what took place and how would they characterize what happened?
- Are there things you wish you had said or done before you left? Are there things you wish you hadn’t said or done that were part of that transition?
- Can you share some examples of humility and openness of heart in your previous church’s leadership that would indicate that they desire your feedback and want to understand your concerns?
- If the church hurt is mainly felt from one particular member’s sin, are you in the best position to take “the speck” out of their eye? Confrontation is more than just naming a wrong. Between believers, it typically is a partnership in the gospel that humbly aims to walk with someone to understand their struggle at a heart level. Do you sense you would be in a wise position to build a long term partnership to help this brother or sister grow in this area?
- Are you willing to accept the additional suffering you might have to endure because of this?
If someone has taken the step to get help after being hurt by the church, it’s both an honor and an opportunity to show them what the love of Christ truly can be. During your time together, you get the privilege of providing a relational context of love and respect—one that helps them to see what the dynamic within a church family could feel like. You can value someone’s voice when they never had a chance to speak. You can affirm God’s grace at work in them when all they heard was correction. When you speak about the sin in their life with humility and gentleness rather than pride and harshness, your words will teach them, disciple them, and help them see how to grow more like Christ. As you continue to reflect on these three ways to care for church hurt, may God show you all the small ways you can continually relay the love of Christ as you walk with them.
