What are the inward heart motivations of overcommitted, overwhelmed people? Why do we allow others to control us and use us? The Bible gives us insight into the root of the problem when it says, “The fear of man lays a snare” (Proverbs 29:25a).
What is happening in our hearts when we are constantly saying yes to the demands that others make? Ed Welch comments on the effect of following the modern teachings on boundary setting when he writes,
The other-oriented command to love is revised so that it becomes a self-oriented goal to never disappoint, to always have people pleased with you, to never have conflict . . . Is the emphasis on loving another person or is it on being loved by another person? . . . The goal of followers of Christ is to love others more than need love from others. Does being loved by this person become the center of your life, replacing God Himself?[1]
Remember that when we say yes to one demand, we are by implication saying no to other demands. Being a people pleaser means we are more concerned about saying yes to demanding people so that they approve of us than saying yes to God and doing what pleases him. Putting anything (including other people) ahead of God means that we are not worshipping and loving God. The Bible calls this idolatry—and the consequences of idolatry hurt us and others.
The Curse of People Pleasing
The Bible says that people pleasers are caught like an animal in a trap—“The fear of man lays a snare” (Proverbs 29:25). Jeremiah 17:5–6 describes those who make other people more important than God as being under a curse:
Thus says the Lord: “Cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength, whose heart turns away from the Lord. He is like a shrub in the desert, and shall not see any good come. He shall dwell in the parched places of the wilderness, in an uninhabited salt land.”
Have you noticed that when we make it our aim to please others, we often feel dry, like a dying bush in a dry desert? The solution proposed by many psychologists to the problem of boundary violations is to “take control of your life.” The result is that those who have been overwhelmed by the expectations of other people often go from making other people the center of their lives to making themselves the center of their lives. But moving from pleasing others to pleasing self will not solve the problem.
Please God, Not People or Self
When you think about the problem of saying no in your life, isn’t it freeing to flip the script from choosing to either please others or please yourself to choosing to please God? Replacing wanting to make others happy with wanting to make ourselves happy is not the way to the blessed life. Instead, following Jesus and living for him will give us freedom in our relationships—even when we have disappointed people. This is what it means to be a Christian. Paul puts it like this: “For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).
The “take control of your life” solution does not address the heart issues that make us susceptible to having our lives controlled by the demands of others, nor does it help us live in a way that pleases and honors God. Those who struggle with boundaries due to underlying issues like bad theology (God will only love me if I treat others perfectly), scriptural abuse (when others twist Scripture to make us do what they want), lack of reflection (thinking, I’m just too busy to think about why I’m always saying yes), or other faulty functional beliefs will not have the opportunity to identify these underlying issues.
Follow God’s Ways and Flourish
The Bible offers the God-centered alternative. We repent of pleasing others, and we devote ourselves to pleasing God in all things—including our relationships and the demands they make. Proverbs 29:25 tells us how we can escape the snare set by the fear of man: “But whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” Instead of worrying about what others think of us, we set our focus on following God’s ways.
The antidote to the dryness experienced by those who make people too important is that they should grow in trusting the Lord; then they will flourish:
“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” (Jeremiah 17:7–8)
Trust in the Lord is not merely a feeling. When we are convinced that he is good and that his ways are best, we actively seek to please and obey him, so we flourish. This does not mean that life will always be trouble-free, but even hardship, or what Jesus calls “pruning” (John 15:2), is for our good (Romans 8:28).
Excerpt adapted from Do I Need Boundaries?: Seeking to Please God by Learning to Say No © 2025 by Jim Newheiser. Used with permission of New Growth Press. May not be reproduced without prior written permission.
[1] Edward T. Welch, “Boundaries in Relationships,” The Journal of Biblical Counseling 22, no. 3 (Spring 2004), 20.
